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Awakening of the soul

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“Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

- Oscar Wilde

X X X X X

The journey was decidedly longer than Kagome had expected it to be. Last time, she had been unconscious for the most part of it, be it due to injuries or poisonous blooms, but it didn’t seem that long a journey. But this time, it was a silent trip, as she couldn’t, for the first time in her life, find any words to say. How did one start a conversation one wished to postpone for as long as possible, but knew that, in the end, it was best to get it over with at once?

Not that Youko was helping much, part of her grumbled, as the kitsune himself hadn’t bothered to say as much as a single word ever since the start of their little trip, several hours ago, and though now that she was allowed to travel on his back again – once out of eyesight and earshot of the village, where it wouldn’t have looked too good – she was a bit more comfortable than being carried in his arms, she was thoroughly displeased with this turn of events.

Actually, the kitsune was calculating. Relinquishing his current hold on her would likely weaken the emotional trap she was caught in somewhat, which was not good, both strategically and because it didn’t bode well for his… other… plans. But there was no other way to deal with the situation at the moment. Keeping her with him longer would be even worse – besides, it was said that loss was something one felt most strongly when they lost something they were attached to. So perhaps it would stir the priestess in the right direction and entrap her further.

But he was addressing a different issue in his mind.

Two possibilities, tempting, beneficial, were presented to him. One cancelled the other out.

Kagome or the Shikon no Tama?

This was a dilemma. For the first time – of many, for certain – the jewel was more of a hindrance than a benefit.

Certainly, it would allow him access to the vaults of Reikai, it would give him the chance to win without a drop of blood being spilt. Negotiations were his specialty and he knew how to drive a hard bargain. But then, on the other hand, there was the priestess, whom he no longer viewed as a bargaining chip (or, to be fair, not only as that) and who, in his eyes, had value at least equal to the jewel. But it was obvious that he had to give one up for the sake of keeping the other.

He couldn’t have both, he realized. Not under the current circumstances.

If he kept the jewel, the priestess would hunt him until, eventually, he would probably be forced to slay her, which was not something he wanted to consider as a possibility. In addition, Reikai would no doubt resurrect her and keep on coming until they got what they wanted. If he bartered with the jewel, Kagome would think her worst opinions on him had been confirmed and sink back into the depths of her ignorance, refusing to speak with him, which was unacceptable.

On the other hand, if he kept the priestess…

Well, that wasn’t such a sure wager. After all, Kagome had a greater temper than the sum total of his riches – or close to it, he thought with a faint smirk tugging at the corners of his lips – and there was no telling how she would react, what would happen… and that, in a way, was the beauty of it. With Kagome, there was no stereotype. And perhaps she could open his eyes to new possibilities in life and bring in something he had never missed but never had as well.

Decisions, decisions….

By the time they arrived at the agreed spot, night was not too far away. The sun was setting over the hills that had framed the valley where Naraku’s imaginary castle had stood previously. The woods were peaceful, calm, as if never disturbed. Demons around them were far away, primitive and weak. No threat to either of them, let alone when they were together. Youko noticed that Kagome was trying to find the courage and the words to speak. She felt obliged to make things right, apparently, but at the same time, maintained her conviction in her own truth.

That is Kagome for you, he thought, and there was a certain fondness to the thought, despite the fact that he still maintained a degree of anger aimed in her direction.

She had seen all that he was. All of it that he would reveal to her… and she still wanted to make things right, despite the harshness he had shown her, the truth without any veil of pretence.

It was so utterly foolish and naïve… such imperfection that would be the death of any other creature… but in her, it was beautiful, because it made her who she was. In her, it was both infuriating and endearing. In her, all that he would never tolerate in himself or his warriors was acceptable.

Did that make him like those two lowlifes – the blind one and the lunatic – who also pined for her attention? No; he didn’t believe her to be the height of perfection or any kind of ideal. And it was not entirely wrong to say that neither of them, the wolf or the hanyou, actually knew the real Kagome. With the insane one, it was plausible due to his condition, but the wolf… well, perhaps it was just inbred stupidity and blindness. Either way, not his problem, because he remembered well how the priestess had reacted to each of them and it was fundamentally different from their interactions.

The seed was there. It was only a matter of tending to it, choosing a course of action.

The decision was made, of course. It was only a matter of accepting it and embracing it.

As she was set down on the ground with care, Kagome wondered yet again just what Youko was thinking about. Though he wasn’t as much of a talker as her, it was nonetheless unusual that he didn’t even deign her worthy of wasting words. She frowned slightly – could he still be that angered by her words? But then, why had he come to her bedside in the morning? And… how long had he been sitting there, exactly? Why?

She never got a chance to voice those questions. The wind witch was already waiting for them, tapping her fan into her left palm impatiently.

Kagura looked worse than ever. It wasn’t her silken kimono – still intact and apparently freshly cleaned – but her expression. Her eyes held… pain. She had obviously been punished for her failures at their previous encounter. But the wind witch covered it all with a surly façade when questioning looks were turned towards her and wasted no time diverting attention by adopting a leer when her ruby eyes rested on Youko.

“Well, aren’t you two bright rays of sunshine.” It was almost a jeer, directed at them both, because the witch didn’t miss the fact that Kagome looked miserable and she could very well guess what the cause was. It was like an awakening of sorts – Kagome remembered that her inner battles were not the only ones she had to fight. Seeing Kagura was a reminder of the fact that Naraku still lived, with InuYasha still in his grasp… along with answers.

He had said that she didn’t had any idea who Kikyo is. That last word remained very mysterious to her. Kikyo, alive? But he hadn’t hinted anything of the sort. She willed herself to dismiss these thoughts, but it was in vain. Questions, pondering… it was a tempting prospect, but right now, the priority was Naraku, not Kikyo. And perhaps, once InuYasha would regain his sanity through careful purification – something she also dreaded somewhat – she would learn more about Kikyo. That is, if he believed that she wasn’t her.

“We didn’t come to waste time with your idle banter.” Youko spoke, his voice as calm and cold as ever. It was the voice with which he had addressed Naraku during their battle, the one tone he had yet to use on her. It was clear that he put up with the wind witch only because it was beneficial for the moment.

A flash of anger mingled with fear passed through Kagura’s eyes, but she masked it so quickly, it seemed that it had never been there in the first place. “Always the charmer, Kurama.” She retorted with a half-sneer. “Anyway, I’ve got the information you wanted.”

“And?” the kitsune asked when Kagome didn’t.

“The castle’s shifted position to the southeast from here, bout two hundred miles. Can’t say how long it’ll stay there.” Kagura explained. “It’s been doing some moving since you guys burst in last time. Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend attacking right now.”

”Why?” Finally, Kagome found her voice. “If it shifts again, we won’t know where to look?”

Kagura winced a bit, as if remembering something, and raised an eyebrow. “And if Naraku puts two and two together and figures out that I wasn’t exactly out for an evening stroll when you come barging in a few minutes after me? What d’you think you’ll do after he deals with me?”

“I… hadn’t thought of that.” Kagome mumbled, realizing the truth behind that statement. “But then it doesn’t get us anywhere.”

“No, it does.” Youko interrupted, without looking at the priestess – which she somehow noticed more than she ought to – and shooting another question at Kagura. “When is your next mission outside the castle?”

The wind witch was a bit taken aback. “Naraku doesn’t exactly have a schedule, you know. But he’s bound to send me off on some errand or another within the week. He doesn’t really go out much.”

“Good. When you receive your task, fly over this location. I’ll have someone watch it here and report it to me. Should the location change, come here nonetheless and wait for my scout. He’ll bring me the information.” Youko seemed to have planned it out before the plan even began.

“Is InuYasha still captive?” Kagome asked with a bit of a timid tone when Kagura promptly fell silent, somewhat awed by the effectiveness of the planning. Talk about swift thinking.

“Well, it depends on what you consider as being captive.” The wind witch huffed. “But Naraku still has the mutt, yeah. Dunno why, though. He hates his guts for some reason, but he’s not really torturing him… that much.” She amended. “Maybe he’s planning something, that would be just like him.”

“You should leave, before you’re missed.” Youko interjected firmly. He knew what he needed to know; there was no further need to associate himself with the witch any longer.

The hint of a pout. “You need to play less hard to get, that’s your problem, fox boy. Ice doesn’t create fire easily. But fire can melt ice….”

“If you have enough time to irritate me, you should have enough time to see Kagome back to the Reikai outpost where you met up with her.” the kitsune interjected once more, his face impassive. This time, he glanced at the priestess, who seemed anxious.

Kagura raised a delicate eyebrow. Kagome now, was it? My, perhaps someone had already taken the role of fire in this relationship… “What, you think I’m some sort of public transportation?” she challenged, whipping a feather out of her chestnut hair. “If Naraku catches scent of her on me, we’re done for. No, thanks. I’d rather keep my existence for some time longer.” And, a white feather soaring through the air, she retreated into the skies. “Make sure that scout of yours is decent to look at!” she shouted before vanishing into the horizon.

Youko resisted the urge to either shake his head or roll his eyes – neither was like him. But that… woman, if she could even be called one, was probably the most loud-mouthed and impertinent creature he had ever had the misfortune to encounter. She was a gambler, a lowlife, but she had guts… or lacked brains. Whatever the case, she was useful, for now. Desperation radiated from her every pore and that was a powerful tool.

Animals chased into the corner tended to show their teeth.

“So, then…” Kagome’s voice trailed off.

Goodbyes. Again.

There was too much time in-between now and putting their plan to action… and she had spent far too much time in Makai already. She imagined that Sango was worried sick and Koenma was fuming in his office, worried and angered at the same time. she couldn’t stray here, not much longer. But she had the sudden need to say something relevant, or scream, more likely, because the stoic face Youko had maintained for so long was starting to anger her. if he yelled at her, she could vent out her anger and believe that it was right to do so. but not like this… this was how she had begun to doubt herself even further.

“Kagome.” Her rather pathetic attempt at finding the right words – and figuring out what those words were, exactly - was mercifully interrupted by Youko, though his expression was still not that of kitsune mischief, the one she had dared hope for.

The priestess’s head snapped up to look at him, even against her will, and she realized that he was handing her something. By now, the object appeared almost foreign, but after a moment or two, she recognized her communicator.

Had it really been that long?

She took it with a nod of thanks, because the words wouldn’t come yet. The sinking sensation in her stomach was accompanied by a shiver when, briefly, their fingers touched and the jewel didn’t react at all. Deep inside her, something screamed with rage and threatened to break the cage she had enclosed it in. she realized that she had to leave, or the prison would be broken and then… and then… there was no “then”.

Had she known how transparent her face was to the fox demon, she might have taken more care with her feelings, but then again, she was Kagome, and control of such a sort had always escaped her grasp. It was one of those things that made her what and who she was. but now – for now – it was time to release her, Youko knew, though it certainly wasn’t the thing that would please him most at the moment. but the forces of Reikai, while pests only, could make life slightly more difficult for him, especially if they sensed the priestess nearby – and so, he made the decision to let her go.

He didn’t want to hear words of apologies, because it had been so long since anyone had awakened anger within him. And he was still angered by her naïveté, but the anger would persist no matter what she said and he didn’t want to think less of her if she surrendered her faith in her convictions so easily. Even this anger, a logical response to her infuriating innocence, would be kept safe and, in a way, cherished in her absence. Anger was but one part of what she could awaken.

“So, when and where should I meet you?” the priestess asked, forcing a faint cheerfulness into her voice, though it rang very hollow. She couldn’t scream… not now, not now.

“I will meet you.” Youko said in response, very aware that she was avoiding his eyes. The pressure had begun to create a crack. Just a bit more force exerted… “You are only to return to Reikai and try not to get killed until we meet again.”

Crack. “You don’t have to keep lecturing me all the time.” Kagome’s head snapped up, but for all her sour expressions, she still looked about as dangerous as a little girl. “I can handle myself.”

“It is advice, not a lecture.” Youko said patiently, parrying the verbal attack. “And you would do well to remember that Naraku might have a spy in Reikai, watching you and your… friends.” A bitter word. “I would choose my words well when explaining to your princeling how come you were detained.”

“You think I’m completely incompetent, don’t you?” the priestess shot back, but there was something hurt in her, despite her harsh tone. “After all, I’m just the bait, aren’t I? Why don’t you just go get Naraku yourself and send me a message after you’re done?”

It was useless before he said it. “Calm yourself.”

”What, and be like you?” The priestess gave a most un-lady-like snort and folded her arms. “The world would freeze over if there were two of you, Kurama. And anger can’t warm me in such cold. I can’t stand it. And I think that, you know what? I can’t stand you. You think you can just take me from my reality and routine and transform me into your puppet? I’m not like you – I can’t be like you! You can change my way of thinking or my priorities, but I’ll still be me… and you’ll be yourself.” She drew breath, as if she had spoken more than she wished to. But all these things had been pinned down in her soul and she had to say them now. Now. “I… I think it might be best if we part ways after this is done. Before…”

She didn’t finish her thought. There was no ending to it. Before…

Before you make me believe that you have changed me… before I become someone without the will to resist…

It was the last stand of her willpower… and, her frustration flaring up, she saw that Youko seemed to accept it with an almost nonchalant expression. “If that is what you truly want.” He said simply. And then, as suddenly as he had appeared in her world, he vanished before she could even make sense of things.

And the priestess felt her knees shaking, as if she had had a very large bucket of very cool water thrown at her. And she was left alone. With a shaking hand, she raised her communicator and dialled the only number there – the frequency that would reach Sango and Miroku.

X X X X X

Two hours later, Sango was embracing her so tightly that Kagome didn’t really know when she would get a dose of oxygen. Miroku restrained himself from groping Sango at the moment, though her guard was thoroughly dropped, and had an uncustomary frown on his young face. and then, there was Koenma, who was on his table, almost jumping up and down in anger, yelling with his child’s squeaky voice, a covering George trying to maintain the balance of a mass of paperwork behind him.

“-AND DO YOU KNOW JUST HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IT WAS TO LEAVE WITH A DEMON WITHOUT ASKING FOR CLEARANCE OR APPROVAL FROM ME-!?”

“It’s all right, Sango-chan.” Kagome said gently, feeling that the taijiya was struggling not to cry or sob when she was supposed to display strength. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t call you… I’m sorry that you had to worry.”

“We knew you were alive, Kagome-chan.” Sango managed to say when she relinquished her grip somewhat. “But we didn’t know if you had been kidnapped or trapped somewhere…”

“The officer who reported your departure said you were hunting Naraku.” Miroku added, leaning against the doorframe of the office. Then, he jumped away from it, as Botan burst into the room, not even bothering to contain her squeal of joy as she rushed to embrace Kagome herself.

“Kagome-chan! I heard that you were back! Oh, we were worried that that Naraku person had caught you! That’s a pretty haori.” The ferry girl added upon realizing that the fabric of Kagome’s clothes was different. “Why, it’s silk!”

Sango and Miroku hadn’t noticed before, but the monk’s frown deepened somewhat. That narrowed down the places where Kagome had been very much.

“-IF YOU HAD BEEN CAUGHT, DO YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD HAVE BEEN?! HAVE YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO THINK-“

“I was hurt.” Kagome confessed and described her injury, ignoring Koenma’s rant and Botan’s gasp. “But… I was in the right place at the right time, in a way.”

“And what have you been doing since then?” Sango inquired. “How come you didn’t contact us? We could have helped!”

Kagome hesitated. Miroku noticed it. It was the final clue. ”My communicator was… misplaced.” Almost, but not quite a lie. Not very customary in the lady priestess he knew, the monk noted to himself, but very subtle… she couldn’t have learned this kind of wordplay on her own. “Otherwise I would have called you instantly. I was forced to search for it while investigating the matter of Naraku.”

“Your recovery rate is remarkable for such a grievous wound.” Miroku noted, his nonchalance almost natural. But it was a verbal manoeuvre to make Kagome reveal the truth without compromising herself in front of the others, because the monk had a very good idea what kind of hell would break loose if Koenma were to put two and two together. “Isn’t it, Kagome-sama?” he added for emphasis.

Kagome blinked a bit. It took her several seconds to understand what Miroku was trying to do and she realized that there was no way she could lie, even if she wished to. Why would she even consider that possibility?

Because it was wrong – both the lie and the fixation she had developed on Youko – and wrongness was always easy.

“I had help and healing herbs, Miroku-sama.” Kagome replied, looking him in the eyes. Yes, you are right, but we will discuss this later on. “But that isn’t really that important. Kagura – the demoness I had talked to – has given me crucial information for finding Naraku. And I have met the demon myself. He is cunning – he managed to deceive me using demon puppets of himself and escape with his illusionary castle.”

That caught the monk’s attention. “Kugutsu.” he muttered to himself. “Demon magic. I should have suspected…”

“I think Kagome-chan is entitled to a good night’s rest!” Botan interjected. Kirara, who was also present, jumped onto her shoulder with an approving meow, earning a giggle from the ferry girl. “Two weeks in Makai must have been dreadful enough to be exhausting, having to pay attention to demons all the time!”

“Yes… dreadful… certainly exhausting.” Kagome nodded, though the former was truer and falser than any of them might suspect. Again, only Miroku seemed to notice a change in her demeanour, but he said nothing.

“I’ll see you to your room, Kagome-chan.” Sango offered, taking Kagome’s hand when she released her. there were rings under the slayer’s eyes and Kagome suddenly felt guilty about her selfishness. Sango had worried about her all those days…

“I shall go as well.” Miroku said, allowing Kagome and Sango to pass through the door first, smiling innocently when the demon slayer gave him a suspicious glance.

“YOU’RE JUST LUCKY THAT I NEED YOU BATTLE-READY, OR ELSE YOU´D GET MORE THAN A THOUSAND SPANKINGS FOR PULLING OFF- HEY! WHERE DID THEY GO?”

“Um, I think they left already, sir.” George noted timidly.

“WHAT? THEN WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE, YOU BIG BLUE BUFFOON?!”

“I.. I’ll just go feed Kirara, then, shall I?” Botan scurried out of the room right when the stack of paperwork George was carrying fell on top of Koenma’s head.

All permanent residents of the castle had their own quarters. This included Kagome, Sango and Miroku, who each had chambers fully equipped with that which they might require and more. It was a rare occurrence that they spent too much time there, but nevertheless, it was pleasant to sleep indoors for a while, Kagome reflected happily.

“If there’s anything you need or just want to talk, call us, Kagome-chan.” Sango still appeared worried, but it was a different kind of worry. Again, she had the feeling that Kagome was keeping something from them, perhaps not intentionally, but had a secret nonetheless.

And Kagome´s fake smile did nothing to reassure her. “I’ll be fine, thank you, Sango-chan. Don’t worry.” But Sango worried, because it was clear that Kagome didn’t see just how tired she seemed and just how she seemed to be distancing herself from them. It felt wrong.

“Go on without me, Sango.” And then houshi-sama didn’t want to come and debate Kagome. It made the slayer’s eyebrows rise again in suspicion. Surely he wouldn’t dare take advantage of Kagome’s state…? “I need to tell Kagome-sama something. I’ll be along shortly.”

That was something new. But Sango nodded and obliged – the last thing Kagome needed now was a scene like that. Besides, it wasn’t jealousy or anything. But she would pry it out of the monk later on. In the meantime, she went to find Botan and Kirara.

Seeing that Kagome was also surprised, Miroku got straight to the point. “Kagome-sama, we will need to have a strategy meeting in the near future. It concerns us all, more than you might suspect. For now, I understand your silence regarding your… rescuer, but take care.” The frown made him seem wiser, but older as well. “That we have common purposes right now means little. All centres around Naraku. InuYasha, Kurama…” then, bitterly, he glanced at his own hand, the one bound by prayer beads. “And this wound of mine as well.”

That Miroku never spoke about the details of his strange injury was well-known, so this revelation was stunning. “You mean to tell me that the wound… the kazaana… is Naraku´s doing as well?” Kagome asked, forgetting her own troubles for the moment.

No healer in Reikai could heal the wound, seal the hole… it had brought no good, though it didn’t spread any longer. It was a weapon, for certain, but Miroku wished to be rid of it nonetheless. Kagome understood why. It was dangerous, no matter how one looked at it.

“I believe so.” the monk said grimly. “I had thought that the demon that had set this curse upon my grandfather is no more, or lost to me, but the more you tell me of him, the more certain and suspicious I grow. This creature is no mere demon. He is a hybrid, something that should never have existed. We must take extra care and end him as soon as possible. Even if we are to enlist the aid of… unorthodox allies.”

Kagome sighed when she saw the slight grin that tugged at his mouth. “Tease me all you want, Miroku-sama, but you may thank me in the end. He can be loyal to a cause. I’ve seen it.”

”Yes, if it suits his purposes. And, fortunately for us, it seems it does. I’m happy for you, Kagome-sama.” The monk added after a moment’s pause, finally smiling, as if he knew something she didn’t. “But take care in your expectations. A moment of happiness might be worth taking the risk, but remember that it might be only a moment.”

“What are you talking about?” Kagome asked, perplexed, but something turned her stomach into a knot, as if he had discovered her deepest, darkest secrets.

Miroku only smiled that enigmatic smile of his. He didn’t really wish to spoil this, so he remained an observer, without intervening. He had known enough women in his short lifetime to be able to read them, save for the one… but that was a different story. Still, nothing was more charming than seeing a young girl awaken to her feelings, though regrettably, it wasn’t because of him in this case.

“Now that is a secret. If I told you, you would not forgive me or yourself. Good night, Kagome-sama.” And he walked off to try and steal another touch of the woman for whose feel – not yet feelings – he himself longed, leaving a thoroughly baffled Kagome standing at the door.