X X X

Shards of dreams

X X X X X

In my dreams just yesterday
What good can such dreams bring?
Though he must be far away
I was faced with the king

He said: “I despair, my dearest,
But a ruse was all my pride
If my plea for love thou hearest
For you my throne I’d cast aside

I walk through the world of day
As if it were night
There are no words I could say
The king remains my plight

He said: “Loved one mine, I languish,
Dost thou leave me here to sigh?
You alone can end my anguish
Yours is all that I call mine.”

“Divine maiden, I implore thee,
No more love for thou I hide
All I am I lay before thee
Please become my holy bride.”

X X X X X

“And so the ’queen’ falls.” A failed snicker.

Sneering, but there was something empty in it. “She’s actually trying to bribe the scum?” That being those that gladly came to the priestess for the food she was preparing – children, even some of those who had realized that the food wasn’t a feeble attempt at a poison. “Pathetic.”

Another of the demon women wrinkled her pretty nose with distaste. “She’s playing the saint, as if she was some holy matron!”

“I don’t know, her food’s pretty good.” A younger, more naïve girl piped up. “Weird, but good weird.”

The rest of the “harem” women tried to unsuccessfully kill her with their glares of death. Of course, they were talking about Kagome – their only conversation topic for the past few days. The priestess was literally the talk of the village. Of course everyone could feel her every step, but it wasn’t just her presence that was so interesting. It was how all seemed to have changed quickly. For the first few days of her stay, it seemed that the priestess was distanced – no doubt through Youko´s influence – from the demonic residents of the village, to prevent any possible conflicts.

Not that anyone wished to face purification, mind you, but they all heeded the warning.

”I’m just saying that her food is good. Besides, I think she’s acting more like a nurse than anything.”

“Oh, she makes the pain go away, along with your limbs.”

“It’s a low strategy.”

“But I haven’t seen her with Kurama-sama once! And come to think about it, whenever I’ve seen her, Kuronue was with her.”

“Do you think he’s up to something?”

“Maybe she’s realized she has no chance and is aiming for the next best thing.”

“Not everyone is like you, dearie.”

“Oh, har, har. Just so you turn green, I spoke with Kurama-sama today and he thanked me for my concerns.”

“In that calm, indifferent tone of his?”

“The tone doesn’t matter! It is the meaning that is important!”

“Politeness has no deeper meaning, Karin. It’s meant to be the shallow surface, a shield against the annoying.”

“You know Wattan, right now, I actually hope he’s really going to mate the reigen, just to see the look on your face when it happens! Then you won’t be acting so high and mighty!”

But now, the priestess was in the midst of her new daily routine, which involved a number of particularly peculiar things for one such as her. At least from the point of her observers, who hadn’t left her unwatched for any of her waking moments. Kagome was aware of the eyes upon her, but she was too stubborn to do anything but ignore it with an unnaturally calm manner. After all, there was nothing to discuss with those women. She understood the reasons for their jealousy and hatred, though she found them ridiculous. She understood the wariness that had settled over the village.

Inside, she wanted to scream. Inside, the image of him persisted, saying those cruel words, though she remembered mostly only that their meaning conflicted with what she was supposed to believe in dramatically. Again, she had lost her calm around him. She had yelled; she had been the epitome of all that she was not supposed to be. And aside from that, she didn’t feel sorry about what she had said. She believed that she was right, like a follower of a passionate crusade and had clashed with him as if she had a chance to change him.

Did she even have the right? Of course she did! Goodness, while eternally difficult, had to be preserved and treasured, even in a world full of strife and darkness. Even if there was no chance for change…

But there was something new within her, something that had awoken only recently; a strong force that cast doubt into her mind. That power was quietly telling her that she had neither right nor reason to attempt to turn the kitsune into something he was not, a hollow shell of the creature she had come to… to…

Kagome shuddered, but not from disgust or distaste. The very thought of finishing that sentence was terrifying. Strange, when all around her were prone to the impression that it was exactly what was going to happen. But she didn’t know how to love – she didn’t know what love felt like. There, she had said it… thought it. The only kind of love she knew was that for a friend, what she felt for Sango, Miroku, Kirara, Botan, Kouga, both Ayames, Koenma and even that poor abused ogre, George. Youko…?

Well, to start, they certainly weren’t friends. That would imply some kind of harmony between them and as far as she saw it, he had been right in one thing – their only common interest was the jewel. There was too much fire and explosions in their relationships. And, by any standards, they were supposed to be at each other’s throats when Naraku was eliminated.

Her daily routine consisted of a number of chores that should serve to divert her attention from her host, whom she had stubbornly avoided since their one-sided shouting match a week ago. She got up and dressed herself, meditated (often scaring the hell out of many a demon) and then proceeded to prepare food or bandage the wounds of injured demons. The first time she had offered to do this had almost caused her to laugh a bit at the shocked expressions on her “patient’s” face. They had obviously expected her to attempt to use her powers. That, of course, would have had the exact opposite effect. But Kagome was a priestess in every sense of the word – though it had been some time since she had properly practiced dressing a wound.

The demon children she had finally spotted on the fifth day of her stay would carefully watch from a distance and once it was determined that she actually didn’t mean anyone harm, they would watch her prepare food and quietly steal a piece or two when she wasn’t looking. It was actually somewhat of a practice against pickpockets, because, as they were quite a group, the priestess eventually noticed it. Then, they gathered the courage to actually approach her for the food, though it had been very worrying to see the poor little demon that had lost when they had been choosing who to send stutter out the question.

Kindness was not natural to demons, clearly.

Then, there were the “harem” women. She pitied them, in a way, but the new side of her seemed to seethe with rage whenever she caught a glimpse of their arrogant faces. They had taken to dressing themselves in fine clothes and paint their faces, which she hadn’t noticed before, as the villagers tried to be practical in all aspects of their life, including clothing. Kagome wore the one outfit she had been given, until Kuronue brought her a bundle of clothing one day. The red hakama were hers, she recognized them, but the haori wasn’t nearly as coarse as the one she had worn; it seemed to be made of fine fabrics, perhaps even silk.

“If it’s a peacemaking gift, I don’t want it.” she said resolutely upon examining it. A warning in her eyes; she wanted to remain angry. If she was angry, she had a reason not to speculate the possible outcomes of her possibly soon-to-be-ended relationship with Youko, the fact that everyone in the village save for the two of them and Kuronue were more or less firm believers of her “chosen” status.

The bat demon unsuccessfully tried to refrain from a slight grin-like grimace. “I’m afraid not, Kagome-sama,” He always called her that, a teasing edge to his voice. “but be certain that there are some that want to repay you for your help.” And he never said who, though the number of those she had attempted to aid by healing – they possessed no proper healer that thoroughly understood the craft – or any other means.

Of course, the harem wasn’t the only group watching her with keen interest. Not everyone was glad she was present, but the general hostility had evaporated somewhat, even though the wariness remained. It was the deep breath before the plunge; something grand was about to happen, no matter what anyone might claim.

And each day, at least for a few seconds at a time, Youko´s eyes found the face of the priestess somewhere, always working, always looking down, but with resolution. How naïve her beliefs, yet how strong her will. She was a living paradox, a warrior with kindness, a slayer with mercy, a pacifist who had killed perhaps as many as he himself had. she could have been so much more, under different circumstances…

But wasn’t it the crack that made the otherwise perfect vase all the more beautiful, because it was a familiar crack? And she was close to breaking, even though she herself didn’t sense it. One more step and she would be a priestess no more, because one couldn’t cling to the beliefs of a saint after seeing the cruelty of the world to its full extent.

The fundamental difference between the two of them was not that they were not of the same race; it was that while Kagome stubbornly refused to see, he was already debating what to do with the discovery. It was a simple matter, really, almost laughably so, and, moreover, the foundations had already been laid. There was nothing stopping him from taking the next step, whether it would lead to ruin or to prosperity.

He wanted her. it was as simple as that, but the meaning behind it was much more complex. It was not purely a physical feeling, but it wasn’t as pure as a spiritual desire. Both, intermingled so closely without any means of discerning which was which. he wanted to see her accept his point of view but at the same time, flawed as her views were, he wanted her to remain as she was, the essence of a tempest in a shell of serenity.

After all that he had done in his life, he was not one for moral dilemmas. Of course it might be upsetting to the balance of his existence somewhat, but his planning had dealt with worse problems before. And Kagome was nothing if not a problem. In fact, she was a walking catastrophe from one point of view, a beautiful disaster that would do more than keep him entertained for perhaps an eternity. His problem was entirely different.

It was that he wanted her to want this as well, to cast her blindness or unwillingness to see aside. And that conflicted with the essence of who she was, who both of them were. She was a priestess of the highest order; he was a demon of considerable power. She was of the spirit world, where he didn’t intend to set foot in for quite some time; he of the demon world, where she could scarcely survive without altering her way of thinking.

Puzzles without solutions didn’t exist. Except for her; whenever he had her figured out, the variable changed suddenly. A tempest. A delicate frown creased his brow. He hated when Kuronue was right about something and would doubtless have a chance to gloat in the near future.

A high-pitched female voice calling out “Kurama-sama!” was the first thing to make Kagome raise her head from her work in a long time. she didn’t see that the fox demon had been looking at her for quite some time from a ledge much higher than the large platform she was on, only that he was facing a demoness in a long, garish orange kimono with flowery embroidery. His expression was hidden from her view, but the simpering laugh she heard even from the distance between them was enough to cause her upper lip to curl up in distaste.

“Careful, or your face will stay like that.” Of course, Kuronue just had to come at that precise second. Kagome shot him a glare; he was another one who really needed to ease the unsubtle teasing. She had a suspicion that maybe there was a school for demons where they learned how to properly push another’s buttons verbally, but then she concluded that not many were sophisticated enough for that. it was likely only a result of prolonged exposure to Youko´s company.

She decided that now was just the right moment to change the subject before the bat demon would have time to say anything, because whatever he had to say couldn’t be good. “Coming for seconds?” she asked, holding up the half-empty pot of today’s food.

“Partly.” Kuronue said in a most good-natured tone, grinning broadly to assure Kagome that he saw everything and intended to prod her a bit later on. For now, he was letting her squirm. “Always looking for a chat with everyone’s favorite holy chef.”

”It’s a good stress-reliever. You get to chop things without killing anything. You could try it sometimes.” The priestess said, returning to her ingredients. How quickly most of the food was gone; she had to be getting good, she realized with a little bit of pride. It was nice to be appreciated.

“I’ll pass this time. you could try extending the holiness to other parts of your repertoire.”

A brief half-hearted glare. But there was truth behind those words; ever since meeting Youko, she had been less and less priestess-like in her behavior, as if she had arrived to the real world from some sheltered, distant place and had her eyes opened. ”I’ve been teased by professionals, your stabs won’t get a rise out of me.” She noted solemnly.

The bat demon faked a hurt expression with theatrical precision. “Well, that’s a change.”

“Look, the matter is settled. I’m living up to my end of the bargain. That doesn’t mean I have to live up to the expectations of those… those women.” Perhaps she was being paranoid, but at times, she almost thought that Kuronue wanted her to start deluding herself that Yoko and her… foolishness. “I’m keeping the peace.” Keeping the peace; keeping the distance.

“And you’re happy with that?” Kagome hadn’t been expecting such a question. all the theatrics were gone; there was something sincere, perhaps even intimate in the query and when she looked up, she saw that Kuronue was being serious.

“What are you getting at?” she asked slowly. “I’m a priestess. Of course I’m happy now.” Repeating it over and over, to herself, to the image of him in her mind, shouting it out from the top of her lungs… but only inwardly. Whatever was happening to her was wrong, unnatural… doubt had no place in her mind.

He didn’t believe her; even she saw it. She had never been anything more than a poor liar. “As long as you know what you really want.” Kuronue said; then, as if a scene had been cut, his expression returned to the usual cheerfulness. The moment had passed, but Kagome was a bit shaken. He saw through her with ease, which meant that she was exposed to a certain degree. And while she believed that she could trust Kuronue to a point, she understood the danger it presented.

Others might not be so benevolent. Others might use it. It was a weakness. And she couldn’t afford to falter, to hesitate… to doubt. She couldn’t afford…

Do you know what it is to love a demon, ojou-san? Do you truly know?

A deep breath, though perhaps no one else heard it.

”What I want most is to get rid of my stylish accessory.” Kagome said, shifting attention from important things, touching the jewel around her neck. It was always her way; to run, to hide, to cover… because it was convenient, because it was the easy path. And facing herself would mean challenging all that she had thought was sacred and…

And she hated him for this, for bringing her past this milestone.

“Wouldn’t we all?”

A frown crossed her face. “I thought Kurama wanted the jewel.” How easy it was to speak his name. how all – her whole world – seemed to orbit him.

“Oh, he does. As bargaining chip, not for keeping.”

“You mean he’d sell it to the highest bidder.” Kagome retorted, rather crossly.

“Possibly. Or he’d sell it back to Reikai.” The priestess looked up somewhat abruptly. “Don’t look so surprised. Your vaults contain some valuable treasures worthy of bartering for.”

Upon hearing that, Kagome´s expression hardened. “Money and power. That’s all that demons care about, isn’t it?” Yes, isn’t it? A belief that could yet save her.

“You believe in thieving for thieving´s sake. That gets boring after a few decades. It is tiring.”

”Then why do you do it?” the priestess prodded, suddenly interested. “Why? How long have you been on this gang… with him?”

Now she didn’t even mention Youko´s name – Kuronue took note of that. her mind was skating on the edge of a knife. Straying but a little would shatter her beyond repair, but the right push could open her to new possibilities. But it wasn’t his decision to make and he respected that. however, he intended to have a more serious talk with Youko about this later on. Better sooner than later. He, too, wanted Kagome to remain, but for thoroughly different reasons. She was as exotic as any treasure he might have ever seen in his life, but certainly not one to be stolen against her will – that would be like damning them all. Her power could destroy them, but it could also benefit them greatly.

But he could only influence the decision, not make it for the kitsune.

“Some centuries. Three or four. I don’t count years as I used to.” He said in a blasé manner.

“Why?”

“Pardon?”

“Why did you choose this?” Interest. But not idle; she wanted to learn more. But it was not because of him, and Kuronue saw that. Perhaps she had developed a sense of subtlety, though that was doubtful. More likely, she herself didn’t see the reason behind her question. the reason was to learn more about Youko, not him. Indirect information gathering. There was potential within her even for their line of work, he thought with slight irony.

“It’s a long and uninteresting story.” He noted with a grin. “The long and short of it is that Kurama stole something from me – naturally – and I attempted to get it back, to both my chagrin and great fortune. The former because he almost killed me, the latter because I eventually ended up on his side, here.”

Unsurprisingly, Kagome seemed genuinely interested in this. Perhaps she had come to believe that most of the men were present based on some kind of twisted hero worship for the kitsune. Well, that was partially the truth, but certainly not all of it. There wasn’t a single one of them that didn’t have a wary respect for the fox demon, bordering with fear. There were those that had sought the horde out on their own accord, either because they sought glory or wanted to be part of the legend, but certainly those that had been defeated by Youko once and knew that it could and would happen again, if they didn’t submit.

“But you must be glad.” the bat demon said before Kagome had a chance to respond with interest or outrage – she seemed to be prone to both these days. “Only three days remain. On the fourth, you go to meet the wind witch. If you’re careful this time, you will never have to see this place again.” he added for clarification when the priestess seemed puzzled.

There; the shades of sorrow passed through her eyes. It was unmistakable now, but she couldn’t see her own eyes, her own face; she herself was blinded to it, ironically. “I think I’ve learned a few things during my time here. this place has been nothing like I expected it to be.” she confessed.

“You expected a den of lions where one eats another.” Kuronue said with certainty; it was a statement. To Kagome´s utter surprise, he seemed to be almost laughing. “Really, Kagome-sama, this makes me wonder how tight the leash of Reikai is around the necks of its servants. Don’t be offended.” He added when Kagome´s face seemed to redden a bit. “It is the truth. The life you lead is substantially different from the one led here.”

“Yes.” Kagome admitted quietly. All her years – centuries! - spent patrolling the Makai hadn’t granted her any kind of insight into the lives of ordinary demons, not the kind of insight a mere week or so of life among them had given her. “It’s different here. Harsher.”

“Freedom is a harsh thing to accept. It strips away the illusion of security. But it also grants new possibilities. Here, we are our own masters.” Truths could hurt more than lies and even Kagome understood this. But this truth didn’t hurt. Rather, it brought a cold acceptance into her mind. Yes, she was a prisoner of sorts, but a willing one. And… she was free to do what she wished, when she wished.

For all her anger with Youko, she was free for the first time in her existence. No one expected her to do anything; no one was asking for aid or giving her tasks. The chores she performed were of her own will.

To leave… and return to the golden cage that had long since lost its tarnished splendor…

It was a new kind of fear.

“I can’t stay here.” she said in a feeble attempt at a protest; Kuronue decided against saying that he had never mentioned that she should stay. But that the possibility had occurred to her on her own accord was both surprising and welcome. At least she wasn’t panicking. “The jewel would endanger the settlement.”

Now that was a new one; even Kuronue raised his eyebrows at that. She was concerned about the settlement where half of the residents still weren’t sure if it wasn’t better to just kill her and be done with it. It made him understand another reason why Youko might have picked this girl – and chosen her he had, of that Kuronue was losing doubt by the minute. If he hadn’t, there were dozens of other routes he might have taken, other words he might have used, other expressions that would have crossed his face.

The priestess within Kagome was the dominant figure, suppressing her personality. But even her true personality, subdued by long training, wouldn’t even dream of backstabbing or stealing from anyone. The thought was alien to her. she thought in absolutes to too great a degree and in this case, that would likely never be changed.

But the seed of doubt had been planted and it had had enough time to take root deep in her heart.

High above, Youko was listening to the demoness that had approached him with less than half an ear. Pretty phrases, that was all these creatures had to offer. Perhaps a reason why he liked Kagome was that despite her foul-mouthed insolence, at least she spoke her mind. Unsubtly and impolitely at time, but openly.

“…and so I find myself somewhat concerned for the health of the… younglings.” Karin, her name was. pretty, power-hungry and relatively good with words. Of course, the pause would have betrayed her even to a more attentive listener. Still, there were worse “cases” in his… circle of female admirers? That was a more polite expression than they deserved. “I think you see that bringing the miko­-sama here was a mistake.” Venom behind the title. Youko almost smirked.

What were the disadvantages of having Kagome around? Everything seemed to speak against her departure; because the next time they would meet, after Naraku´s defeat, would hardly be pleasant.

Aside from the fact that Reikai would likely be searching high and low for her, restlessly, tirelessly, until they found her. of course that would take decades, but still…

“Kurama-sama?” Kagome and Kuronue were talking again – he wasn’t certain he liked it. Not because of some kind of possessiveness, because Kuronue knew well enough that the priestess was out of bounds, but because of instinctive wariness.

“Thank you for speaking your concerns; I acknowledge them and shall deal with the results of my decisions.” And dismiss them as well, as he dismissed her by walking away, leaving the rather baffled demoness standing there.

Two hours of preparation gone to waste on her part.

Two more days passed without any incident. Then a third. During that time, not one thought of Naraku passed through either of his enemies´s minds. And, finally, the final moments of Kagome´s stay in the village came.

She realized it with a peculiar sinking feeling; unfortunately or otherwise, it was short-lived, as after waking up, she discovered that the shape at her bedside she had thought to be a figment of her sleepy mind was in fact Youko. He was sitting there as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Kagome almost freaked out, but the calm, serene expression on his face, partly visible in the morning light, halted that.

And, upon seeing her awake, the kitsune rose to his feet and proceeded to leave. “We should leave as soon as you are dressed.” He said over his shoulder, without turning around. “You know where to find me.”

It left Kagome baffled. He always had a reason for doing things; that was his way. And now, he came to her only to leave the moment she regained consciousness?

She got dressed in her old priestess garb and tied back her hair. The green fighter tunic she had been given remained at her bedside; she didn’t want to be slowed by any unnecessary weigh, though she liked the clothing quite a lot. Kagome tied back her hair, her fingers unwillingly brushing against the jewel that remained around her neck at all times. Not for the first time, it felt like a manacle and chains, a prison… but this time, more than ever, she felt the pain of captivity.

Hatred rose within her. hatred for her prison, for the waste her existence was. for the purposelessness of the jewel, doomed to remain but a rock that served only to pull her into the depths of the sea of despair in which she had begun to drown. Was she being pulled out of it or pushed deeper into it? Who was Youko Kurama to her – not the King of Thieves, but the person, the man – to her? Her savior or her murderer?

It seemed that every demon in the village, apparitions of all shapes and sizes, had decided that the parting of the priestess was not a thing to be missed. Amidst the crowd, Kuronue stood, looking entirely subtle, though standing out in Kagome´s eyes. And the crowd seemed pure rabble when Youko stood in front of them, patiently, no scorn or bitterness in his eyes when they rested upon her. But the sight was no longer as overwhelming as it had been before. it was no less splendorous, but it was… him.

She stopped her stride, more confident than she felt, meters away from the tall fox demon. What gave her the power not to look away from his eyes was a mystery to her.

“Are you prepared?” His voice asked and the harem women detected a hint of a caress in it, their paranoia finally paying off somewhat. Two of them left, one bursting into angry tears later on.

Kagome didn’t see any of that. she simply nodded. “Yes.”

Silence.

“Your weapons, Kagome-sama.” Kuronue stepped into the situation before the tension could find a suitable physical manifestation. The yew longbow of the priestess was polished, as if it were new; the arrows had been sharpened. Kagome would notice that only later, to some surprise and part gratitude. Then, the bat demon stepped back. “We’ll be seeing you sooner or later.”

That almost got Kagome´s attention and she managed a smile in his direction. “No offense meant, but hopefully later.”

“We should be off. You know what to do.” Kuronue gave a nod and, from the way Youko drew the priestess away, read the situation. It seemed that no intervention on his part was needed. Youko had resolved the situation on his own, without the kind of self-delusions Kagome harbored.

And from the shiver that passed through Kagome when he took her in his arms, it seemed that she would choose herself soon. “Of course. As do you.”